Saturday, January 12, 2013

The Diabolic Plan of an Evil Mastermind

I'll have some thoughts on the Orange's first conference roadtrip of the season later in the weekend, but first I'm going to flip the script and take a look ahead to this afternoon.

You see, today is the final visit to the Carrier Dome by the Villanova Wildcats (at least as conference rivals).  The rivalry with Villanova is probably the one closest to my heart.  It is the alma mater of my sister and one of my best friends.  It is the main source of my mother's sports bigamy.  It is the team we crushed in one of my most memorable trips to the Dome.

Never mind that the Wildcats have been mediocre at best for the last 3-4 seasons, it is still one of the games I get most excited for on the schedule.  I may hate Connecticut more or dread playing Louisville the most, but the Villanova game is the most fun if for no other reason than it is the team that I know the most people to talk trash to when Syracuse rolls over them.  This includes my favorite go-to tweaking point of Villanova fans... Jay Wright's suit collection.

Which leads me to this morning.  Although I wasn't planning on going to this game, I recently was presented with the opportunity to purchase a few extra tickets that a friend couldn't use.  I couldn't pass this up, especially since my sister was flying home from Cincinnati just to go to this game with my mom.  Unbeknownst to me, they had tickets to the Villanova booster club breakfast beforehand.  Once they found out that we were also going to the game, they offered to get us tickets also.  Naturally I said yes, I'm always a fan of good food, and so my mom got the tickets.

Only after the tickets were purchased, my sister attempted to attach strings to our attendance.  No Syracuse gear or at least cover it up until gametime, she didn't want to be getting the stink eye all breakfast long (can't blame her).  Of course, this only provoked me into thinking how much Syracuse gear I could possibly manage to fit on my person at once (can't blame me).

Once my wheels started spinning, they got going real fast and veered off the tracks.  Rather than just trying to tweak my sister, how could I try to get under the skin of every single Villanova fan in attendance and watching at home?  Why, by messing with Jay Wright's Don Draper look of course.

How would one do such a thing?  Well, obviously I would have to ditch my Syracuse gear for dress slacks and a sports coat.  It's called camouflage.  You wouldn't go into the forest and blast Ke$ha on max volume while grilling venison over a massive bonfire , and shooting off your leftover Fourth of July fireworks if you wanted to get a deer.  Likewise, you don't wear a Syracuse hat and Gerry McNamara jersey if you want to get within five feet of Jay Wright's precious.

So now that I look the part, I just have to down a few mimosas for some liquid courage and then time my foray into the buffet line so that I happen to wind up next to Jay Wright.  While we're in the line, I'll have to pay Lindsey off to faint right as I get to the waffle station.  I then can suddenly turn around to make sure she's okay while conveniently holding the syrup ladle and taking a wide-ranging arc with my right arm.

Having used a statistical model to determine the proper angle I'll need, factoring in the draft from the air conditioning vent and all the hot air from the Nova fans, I give myself a 97% chance of making sure Jay Wright gets hit and crumples to the ground in a Barney Stinson-like moment.  Meanwhile, I'll be ripping off my dress shirt to reveal my C.J. Fair jersey, scream some kind of nonsense about Orange Forever, and make a mad dash out of the Sheraton ballroom and up the hill to the Dome.

Great plan right?

Ah, who am I kidding.  Jay Wright's got all kinds of stain repellent on that ish.  The syrup will probably just bounce back onto me.  Even if it penetrates that impermeable force-field  he's probably got 17 extra suits in the visitors locker room.

Oh well, a guy can dream.

Check back later in the weekend for some thoughts on the Cuse's first conference roadtrip, plus how the Orange looked live and in person (albeit from approximately 3 zip codes away).

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